


The Final Solution

by Parthenopaon



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, F/F, The purest of crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 23:41:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11977563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parthenopaon/pseuds/Parthenopaon
Summary: So you're a Pharah main. By now you've probably grown tired of being punched out of the sky by double jumping Junkrats, outclassed by Battle Mercys, hounded by DVa's own version of justice and actively ignored by your own mother.But have no fear! The Final Solution is here.





	The Final Solution

Have you ever wondered why you and Widowmaker seem forever destined to be bitter rivals, always hounding each other across the world? Why she's always so happy just to shoot you from the sky? Well, the answers to those questions are a fair bit simpler and a lot less obvious than you might initially think. 

"Well," you might say, "Widowmaker is my enemy because she was destined to be my counter. It's easy for her to just aim down her sights and shoot me from the sky." 

And that's where you're wrong. You see, while the above is factually true, you and Widowmaker are bitter enemies because the world at large has convinced you that that is the way things should be.

"Huh?" you ask with a stupid look on your face. "Now why the hell would they do that?"

Simple: the world wants you and Widowmaker to be bitter rivals because together you would be an unstoppable force to be reckoned with. Think about it. You've seen how deadly her aim and how insurmountable her tenacity. At least, when she's not below average. But back to the matter at hand. Can you imagine how devastating things would be if she dedicated her time to slaying those who would hound you? You might even get to rain down some justice for once!

I can already hear you scoffing as you roll your eyes. 

"But Widowmaker would never do that. She doesn't even like me!"

While I'm inclined to point out how infantile this level of thought sounds, let me instead tell you a little secret that the world definitely doesn't want getting out. Widowmaker doesn't actually hate you. In fact, she likes you! A lot. No, really. Think about it. Have you never felt an itch on your backside, a subtle feeling of being observed from afar? Yep, you guessed it. It's her keeping an eye on you! Sometimes even all nine of them.

"Of course she does," you point out. "She tends to do that right before she kills me."

Wrong. She does it because her longing for you has reached eldritch proportions. Also, she really likes the look of all that armor on your tush. 

"Well, if she likes me so much, why's she always shooting me from the sky?"

Let me ask you this. How would you feel if you  
watched your sun and stars, the keeper of your heart, the mother of your future children, falcon of the east and the rainer of justice prance around with another woman?

"Wait. What? Are you talking about Mercy? You are, aren't you? Why does no one get it? Mercy is literally just trying to keep me alive!"

Uhuh. And I bet you eagerly ripping off your pants has a lot to do with it too.

Aha! I can already see you blushing, stuttering to defend your heinous crimes against the spider's lonesome heart. Do you understand now? Maybe the next time you and Widowmaker meet, you should greet her. Maybe rip off your pants and hand them to her? When was the last time someone asked her to pocket them, right? 

Remember, shake your tush, show her some appreciation for all her hard work, and who knows, she might even award you with a kiss! Mind you, that kiss might come accompanied by an open palm to the throat and a heel to crush your windpipe, but that's just the unique way in which she expresses her love. Spiders will be spiders, after all.

"Uhuh. And I'll be a dead falcon two times over."

What have you honestly got to lose at this point? After the nanoboosted Battle Mercy fiasco, my guess is 'not much'.

"Ugh. Fine. The next time I see Widowmaker I'll drop by to say hello. But if I get shot, I'm coming for you and the rest of your miserable existence."

Remember: shaking your tush might get you further in life than a lame pun one could see coming from miles away.

\---------  
\---------

"What do you want, hmm?"

Uh Oh. The spider was not happy to see her.  
While Fareeha thought it ludicrous that the woman was prancing around in beach wear while all around winter raged with a vengeance, she wasn't here to give the woman a lesson on properly taking care of herself. Who knows. Maybe she really couldn't feel the cold. 

"Greetings," Fareeha said brightly, all hoping the while hoping Widowmaker didn't just shoot her and get it over with. 

Widowmaker's narrowed eyes and subtle confusion gave Fareeha the impression that her stopping by to say hello was an event taken completely out of the ordinary. Surely she'd greeted the spider some time before...right? 

"Hello," Widowmaker replied slowly, as if expecting a rocket to the face or a sleepdart in the back. 

Fareeha was quick to dispel that notion. The killing would start soon and it would be helpful if she had someone to watch her back. Especially if that someone came equipped with seven extra eyes and aim so accurate she could shoot the wings off a fly in motion. When she wasn't below average, of course.

"Look, I know you and I don't exactly get along, that we're not supposed to, but aren't you tired of losing all the time? Flying rats diving on us, Battle Mercys getting teamwipes and DVa's taunting us all over... Honestly, it's exhausting."

Widowmaker's eyes swept Fareeha from head to toe and back, her confusion tripled. "What are you..."

Fareeha ripped off her armored pants without pause or ceremony. "Here," she said, shoving them at the thoroughly confused spider. "I need someone to pocket me so I can finally rain some justice from above."

Taken by surprise as she was, Widowmaker almost dropped both her rifle and the impromptu pants shoved upon her. 

It was bitterly cold and Fareeha could swear she felt her backside shrink in fear of the unknown. How the spider could prance around like freezing to death was barely worth an afterthought was beyond her. 

"Alright," Fareeha said, as she loaded up her rocket launcher, back turned to Widowmaker and tush sticking out just so. "Let's get to killing. Wine and dinner are on me if we survive this."

If the flush on her cheeks and the way all nine of her eyes were thoroughly focused on Fareeha's ploka heart boxers weren't an indication of the spider's agreement, the speed with which she pulled on the armored trousers certainly were. 

And so it was that the falcon got herself a pocket sniper and the spider a fine view of the chief's luscious backside. The freezing cold of the Siberian countryside was hardly worth a worry when raining righteous justice from above generated a warmth all its own and Fareeha swore she would get Widowmaker the heartiest wine the world had to offer.

She just hoped the resulting check didn't murder her bank account the way the spider did Junkrats, Battle Mercys and DVa's.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly have no idea where this came from. But I'm totally down with seducing Widowmakers instead of killing them. Now that takes skill!


End file.
